it's the little things in life

twenty year old canadian girl whom doesn't really know what she is doing - trying to get it together and figure herself out.

monday

today was for waking up feeling semi-refreshed, watching way too many episodes of gossip girl while tidying up, writing out my grocery list, grocery shopping, stopping by joanns fabric for my sister, going on a walk and playing frisbee with jeff, making dinner and watching the biggest loser.

so my apartment is an upstairs apartment with a door on the side downstairs where you open it and it has stairs to go to my actual door downstairs.

both fedex and ups tried to deliver shit WHILE I WAS HOME but they only knocked on the bottom door (how the fuck am i going to hear that from upstairs) and left ‘you missed a package’ cards…

so i signed both and then put a beautiful note on my door that said ‘dear delivery men & women, PLEASE open this door, climb up the stairs and knock on my actual door because i’ve been home both times you’ve attempted to drop off packages - thank you’

that’s polite right?!

went for a walk and played frisbee. made sausage, peppers, onions & peppers for dinner

just got a phone call from the Hospital regarding the program

pretty much she told me ‘we can’t take referrals from a psychiatrist that isn’t working at the ottawa hospital so if you want to be approved, you must show up to psych emerg and be assessed’ 

that means i have to go to the emergency room at the civic, wait 4 hours before they admit me to psych emergency and then they assess me and they would be allowed, if they feel it necessary, to admit me as inpatient (which I DON’T WANT) and they don’t have to refer me to the program if they don’t feel it necessary’

so that’s fucking awesome

  1. If you like someone, wait.
  2. Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too.
  3. Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before.
  4. Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy.
  5. Get up earlier and watch the sun come up.
  6. Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm.
  7. Meet someone new, even just a friend.
  8. Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them.
  9. Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in.
  10. Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are.
  11. Listen to new music.
  12. Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them.
  13. It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day.
  14. Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section.
  15. Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad.
  16. Make new memories.
  17. Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience.
  18. Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people.
  19. Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time.
  20. Learn to love every bit of yourself.

– How to feel better and become better by me (x)

today was for; breakfast sandwiches, taking it easy, drawing, purchasing a groupon deal for an online photography and editing course, a broken exercise bike which lead to a not too stellar workout, homemade veggie soup, watching gossip girl, grilled cheese.

“1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.

3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.

15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.”

Sixteen Small Steps to Happiness (via zerie)

friday five

  • i think i’ve finally come to a conclusion. jeff isn’t the problem, he really isn’t. yes he has done a couple things and you know what? everybody makes mistakes. i have to come to the realization that I AM the problem. i am MY problem. i am unhappy with the fact that i’ve let this anxiety completely take over and ruin life for me. i need to be happier with myself and then i can stop taking my anger out on the people who actually do care about me.
  • saying that, jeff & i agreed that the best thing for us right now (unfortunately) is a long distance relationship. i need to go home and get a referral from my psychiatrist to go to the outpatient program and do intensive therapy to really be happy. i need professional help because obviously helping myself has not worked. it’s going to suck but i think honestly, it will make our relationship that much stronger. we will still see each other once or twice a month maybe more if its possible but i think the most important thing is we know we have each others’ back and we love each other. i just can’t be happy with him unless i’m happy with myself.
  • on a lighter note, we hit up the farmers market and got all my veggies to make a veggie soup. SO PUMPED ABOUT THIS. also worked out and burned 640 calories in an hour.
  • currently watching races on my laptop & gossip girl on netflix on the tv. taking it easy before i decide what i want to make for dinner tonight. 
  • im happy with our decision. i really really am. i cannot wait for our future together.

i am honestly so excited to get healthy.

today i ate:

  • breakfast: two eggs, two piece of whole wheat toast & 1 sausage
  • lunch: whole grain thin spaghetti with roasted garlic tomato sauce (portion controlled)
  • popcorn
  • dinner: homemade slow cooked beef and broccoli 

i ordered a spiralizer off of amazon and it should be here by monday which is so exciting. i worked out for an hour today. 

my game plan for tomorrow is the following:

  • raisin bran and almond milk for breakfast
  • get a workout in
  • lunch (leftover rice, chicken and veggies)
  • go to the farmers market to pick up onions, peppers, broccoli, green beans & tomatoes to make this loaded vegetable soup recipe i found because it looks hella delicious and i think it will be good for lunches and pre-dinner to fill me up on vegetables. 
  • pick up the remaining items at the store to make the soup
  • laundry