it's the little things in life

twenty year old canadian girl whom doesn't really know what she is doing - trying to get it together and figure herself out.

what i’m up to tonight and tomorrow

tonight:

  • homemade dinner
  • doing something with this mane of mine
  • shower
  • RELAXING with netflix maybe?

tomorrow:

  • go to the track to see my friends
  • ultrasound of my abdomen at noon (i have to fast for 8 hours prior, UGH)
  • come home and EAT
  • races :) hope my horses do good again!

blooooooood

so i had to get my blood drawn… but not just at a regular clinic, it had to be done at the hospital because it’s testing for genetic stuff as well as other bone marrow related things. they just want to rule any kind of infection or disease out regarding my white blood cell count.

okay no biggie, i don’t care about getting my blood drawn. what i do hate though, is hospitals.¬†

walk in, okay. not so bad. but i am the type of person that when i see people wearing like ‘masks’ if they’re sick, or seeing someone on a stretcher even if they’re completely fine… it FREAKS ME OUT. like PANIC attack worthy.

i start to feel rather stressed out in the waiting room so i stood up and my mom was standing with me. then one lady looked so ill and i completely freaked out. like hyperventilating, SHAKING, sweating profusely, BAWLING my eyes out - i was hyperventilating so bad i thought i was either going to barf or pass out. my mom made me put my head between my legs and it wouldn’t go away still…

eventually i’m like ‘mom we need to gtfo’ so my mom went to see the lady and asked for my paperwork back and she asked if she could talk to me.

so she comes out to this quieter area i’m sitting in and she’s like ‘how are you doing?’ and i’m clearly in the middle of a panic attack so she says ‘okay, you came all the way here so i think we should figure this out. i can sneak you through this door that way you don’t have to see the people in the waiting room. i’ll bring you to the blood station and as soon as i’m done, i’ll sneak you back out and you can be on your way’. i was clearly still panicking and frustrated but i found her kindness really great.

she asked how my summer was going and if i was doing anything and i said ‘trying to get over my anxiety, i kind of can’t do much because of it’ and she said ‘you’re too beautiful to be hiding from the world. you need to let everybody see how pretty you are’

OBVIOUSLY she may have just been trying to make me feel better. i don’t think her complimenting me will just change my anxiety to not having any but it was still super appreciated.

went to see the hematology specialist doctor that i was referred to

this is the rundown of how it went

  • him: do you know why you’re here?
  • me: yes my white blood cell count is too high… i looked it up online, it said stress can do that. im stressed. i think im fine blood wise though
  • him: actually only intense stress could do that
  • my mom: SHE’S PRETTY INTENSE

next

  • him: so how do you feel?
  • me: other than stressed out 99.9% of the time, i feel physically fine thank you
  • him: any weight changes in past 6 months?
  • me: yep, got fatter because the medication i took lowered my heart rate i couldnt work out
  • him: WHAT? never heard of that before

he then proceeds to tell me he needs to check certain things. he looks at my neck, checks my ARMPITS (wtf?) and then pushes on my stomach 

that was it for checking

he then asks me to sit down and says: well i don’t want you to worry, i don’t see anything physically wrong with you to the eye but i will send you to the general hospital with some requests for blood work (extensive blood work, screening for diseases and stuff) and i gotta get an ultrasound of my abdomen to make sure my screen isn’t messed up

LIFE IS GREAT GUYS

he told me ‘not to worry’

16 Things I Discovered The Hard Way

1. You cannot control the weather. The world may be at your hands, but you must understand that this does not mean that you can dictate the direction that the wind will blow.
2. You cannot control the way someone will feel about you. Do not pour yourself into another being. Do not lose sight of yourself to satisfy others.
3. There is no such thing as a dumb question, but one must not ask a question if they cannot handle the answer to follow.
4. Nothing is permanent. Every single thing in life is temporary. You must understand this.
5. Nothing is guaranteed. You can imagine the way you would like for things to work out, but good things do not simply appear overnight.
6. Know that everything changes. Like the tide and the sun, things will look different from morning to night. Things will feel different. Things will change.
7. Change is constant. We must accept change. We must prepare to move forward.
8. People will leave. People will stay. People will come and go. Each of them will serve a purpose in who you are. Remember this when you struggle to understand their fleeing.
9. It is okay to cry.
10. Take no advantage of your parents. They will give you the world for as long as they can. They are the most important figures in your life. They will always matter. They will always care.
11. Do not regret. Do not question. The more we stay stuck on something the more time we will waste. We cannot afford to waste time. Time is precious.
12. You may question all you want, but you cannot change the outcome of what once was. You cannot change the way that something has already turned out.
13. It is okay to cry.
14. Life will rip your heart out and spit on it. Things will happen and you will not understand them. Life is not always fair.
15. You cannot control the weather, but you can control yourself. You can control the way that you live your life. You can control your happiness. Where you go. What you see. Who you are. Live in spontaneity. This is your life. Do not look back on what it could have been.
16. You will be okay.

http://steady-asthe-stars.tumblr.com/ (via steady-asthe-stars)

@ashley-a

yes, got here today ill be here until next monday so maybe we can grab a coffee or something! i was supposed to only come down thursday because i have a psychiatrist appointment friday but then my doctor referred me to a friggen hematologist because my white blood cell count has been high for YEARS now lol and she wants me to see a specialist on tuesday

so my mom was supposed to get here at 7pm but her and my sister randomly showed up at 2 instead lol

they felt bad that my couch was actually a cot for now since our huge couch didnt fit so we went to salvation and army and legit bought a couch for SIX DOLLARS.

our friend met us there with his truck and then once we got it home we rushed to target because my mom and sister agreed that my curtains were ghetto lol so she bought me some!

picked up some applebees and rushed home to meet my friends since im babysitting brogan for the evening (the whiney baby - hes cute and all but shit they need to switch up their parenting to make him more independent)

just rocking him right now so he stays asleep for a decent nap (if you stop moving he doesnt sleep… again with parenting - this kid needs a fucking bottle but she doesnt give me any)

then gotta go do laundryyyyyyyyy

a to-do list for tomorrow (so i dont forget anything)

- do a barre3 workout video
- finish organizing the guest room
- go to old apartment, take pics for proof of how things are clean and hand in the keys
- rush back to batavia to meet my friends so at the races so i can take him in to watch his horse race
- go do laundry (one of the cons to new place is i have to go to laundromat to do laundry, oh well)